Essay on Saturn's Gift of TIME...

February 26, 2002

8:20 am

 

I just saw a most beautiful bird on the townhouse property I live in as I was driving back home from

leaving Sebastian at school. I had been contemplating on how One is to integrate Saturn into One’s Self…

and realizing that He has very wonderful qualities to appreciate and love, taken from a different perspective

than One is used to.  And as soon as I saw this amazing bird – just standing there, alone and regal and

majestic – I knew He was a gift from Saturn and the Universe to me – sent to represent Saturn’s qualities

and for me to truly understand the value of appreciating Him.  I wish I knew what type of bird he was –

he was tall and slender and had long, spindly legs with mostly white feathers and a few gray and

black feathers splashing his wings – long beak and very, very proud, but in a humble and rather

unassuming way.  What struck me about him firstly, his height – he must have been taller than Sebastian –

and I’d never seen him around here at all. He felt ‘old’ – yet wise and interestingly, the phrase that came

to mind as I fell into an almost hypnotic appreciation trance was – he is lonely, as is Saturn, because he is mis-understood.

 

Somehow, this struck a chord inside my Heart and Soul – perhaps because as a Pisces, I am most often feeling what it is like to be mis-understood. And so it is, that in understanding how lonely Saturn must feel, that I Now understand his longing for Us to learn his true Worth and Value in our Lives.  What would a Pisces Sun with Sag Moon Rising have in common with Saturn? That feeling of I’m so ‘out there’ and so ‘alien’ to typical Human experience, that I stand out like a sore thumb, and as such, my level of sensitivity is very high and acute – which leads to the loneliness and feeling misunderstood by the mass consciousness. 

 

And because of that, I become somewhat rebellious and purposely at times make mySelf even more unusual and accentuate the very things that others judge me for, just to get them to see me, see me and appreciate me despite all their judgements and fears and misunderstanding – it’s as if, in forcing them to look at me through the myriad of qualities that they don’t get, I feel they’ll eventually really see beyond their limited perceptions and really, really GET what the True Essence of those Qualities REALLY are. And there is exactly where Saturn and I will finally become Friends. I, too, have been guilty of looking upon Saturn with a frown, judging him to be evil, mean, petty, limiting, authoritative, punishing, judgmental, cold and indifferent – to me and to my Life – I believed him to be the cause of my suffering whenever lack took over my Life – whenever I’d feel stuck in my own messes and that furthermore, it was Saturn that created my mess. Imagine how rough it has been for this Jupiter/Neptune ruled Baby to feel the limitations and boundaries of Saturn cast upon her unlimited BE-ingness!  Of course I was going to rebel and curse him! Of course I was going to blame him for causing the restriction upon my natural exuberance! Of course I was going to deny that I most desperately needed the Lesson of Discipline as I ran around rampant in my Life without settling down long enough to really integrate my BE-ingness in a way that truly adds value to my general Experience as an unlimited Being. 

 

How am I supposed to understand the immensity of Infinity if I don’t sit

down long enough to contemplate what having Boundaries really means? 

 

Here are Saturn’s Words:

Boundaries, Limitation, Holding Back, Time, Structure, and Foundation, for starters. 

Why do we look upon these Words as energies that stifle Us, instead of looking upon them with the Love they deserve as

being energies that OPEN Us to the Vastness that waits for Us just beyond that Edge that we perceive?

Or to appreciate these Words as giving us the ability to jump into Freedom and true Integration? 

 

An example: Sometimes my head hurts from thinking so much – from learning new information  that inundates my entire cranium and the brain inside and of course, the headache is because, perhaps I’ve gone overboard in putting ‘stuff’ into my brain, without giving it time to integrate. I certainly understand what it feels like to want, crave, hunger, lust for information and data to the point that it becomes like a drug (and I’m one of those that never did any) – I have to have it and then, the head starts to throb and the information starts to hurt – I realize now that Saturn, via my body, specifically my Head (update 12/07: note that I have Saturn at 0 Degrees Aries, ruling the ‘head.’), is telling me – “Too much of a good thing is not a good thing – slow down – put a lid on it – take what you have and integrate it fully before moving on to the next Lesson – I don’t want you to implode from having tooooo much!” 

 

I get so excited typically about one Astrology workshop or another, or maybe Essence of Being, or maybe Mythology or whatever the class/lesson may be that I schedule mySelf up so very tightly, that I have absolutely NO TIME in between them all to really ask mySelf, “What did I really learn from this particular class?” So, it becomes one great big endless blur. And whatever wonderful Pearl of Wisdom I may have gotten out of the Lesson, has been lost because I did not take the TIME to really contemplate it. See, Time can be a good thing, after all! And this, I admit freely and openly Now, after a Lifetime Battle with TIME itself, in wanting to prove that it doesn’t exist – that it is a Limited Thought Creation made up by Man, and not God/dess. So, part of my Homework as suggested by Saturn for me Now is: Take Time. To really take Time – for mySelf but not in the way I’ve taken it up to now – Set up a guiding boundary of Time between classes – and take Time to integrate the processes. Take Time to write about each class. I Am a Writer after all – a true gift to MySelf, as shown in my 3rd house Mercury conjunct the Sun. I have always been mystified as to how it is that I could ever possibly integrate my Mercury/Sun/Chiron in Pisces – 3rd house Opposition to Pluto/Uranus in Virgo – 9th house….always at odds with the Energy pulling me to live up to my 9th house Mission and Purpose, and my Generation’s Destiny to really Bring Light to Earthlings via accepting the Shadows Within….such a wonderful conjunction Pluto/Uranus paints a picture of The Awakener and the Dark God of the Underworld…LIGHT and DARK combined…vs. the personal goal of writing/communicating/healing in my own individual life – it’s like the Microcosm and the Macrocosm at odds with each other, when really that is impossible, being they are one and the same.

 

Perhaps then, the KEY to the Integration of my 3rd/9th house battle lies within Saturn’s hands…and he’s been holding it out for me for the longest time and I’ve looked upon him with such distaste and anger and hatred that I’m amazed he’s still standing there, still holding the Key and still, even after all this Time, saying to me, “Trust me…I do have this Key for you and I sincerely do love you and want very much to celebrate your Graduation from this Lesson…I want to see you shine within your Mission and Purpose…to see you happy and I want you to truly understand what being an unlimited Creature of the Universe really means….walk through this Pathway that I am showing you, with this Key that I offer you, and I promise, you will find the Joy that was signed into your Chart so very long ago.” 

 

I am so grateful to Saturn for being so very patient with me all these years, as I so stubbornly refused to see the Light that he’s been holding up to me, within his Lamp – all I was seeing was this dark, cloaked figure and I thought he was telling me I had to ‘give up’ my Dreams, that I had to ‘give up’ my Aspiration to become truly unlimited, and instead be a limited, Earth bound boring material being….but I was wrong all along…he really is pointing the way to the Outer Limits of Who I AM – he really is!  Put my affairs in order, schedule my Time accordingly, integrate my Energy, and truly appreciate what the Words Structure and Foundation really mean….there’s a whole new World out there waiting for me – and it’s not Saturn that’s holding me back, but I am holding mySelf back from the forbidden knowledge of the Ancient Seers due to my lack of understanding what the Key to Alchemy is…I get it now…I really get it….and for the first Time in my Life, I feel my Heart inundated with an overwhelming Love for Great god Saturn.  

 

Silvia J. Pancaro

February 26, 2002