"Mother, I AM..."
by Silvia J. Pancaro, aka MoonCoach
3:48 pm, lazy Sunday afternoon of January 8, 2006 in Roswell, at a park….
I sit watching my son ride his dirt bike as I attempt to work on my Libra presentation for class tomorrow. I noticed that he sped on by at a much faster speed than what I’ve noticed before. Marcus took off the ‘restrictor’ which once kept Sebi from going too fast, too soon. My Heart wrenched in fear for a moment, as the dust trailed behind him.
I realized that as a Mother, my job is to protect him which in turn urges me to hold on to my son, as long as I’m able. And yet, I know that I cannot hold on to him – he is a Free Spirit. I wonder to myself if it’s been a mistake to get the bike? And I immediately answer from a place within myself that is rooted in Higher Understanding, that I have gifted my son with joy, but more importantly with a training that will surely keep him protected and safe in the long run, perhaps even longer than I’ll be around. It’s this ‘practice’ that he is now doing as he rides on this grassy construction site, that will give him the solid foundations into skills such as maneuvering, braking, speeding up, handling bumps on the road, and most importantly, gaining self-confidence as he learns how to navigate his new vehicle. In the meantime, I sit, watching, dealing with my own feelings of fear, of self-doubt, of pride, of wonder & awe…struggling with my self-image as a Mother, and weighing all my actions, thoughts, feelings, deeds of the past nearly 12 years, in order to check my balance, hoping that I weigh in on the side of being the Good Mom that he’ll someday remember with love, gratitude and joy.
It seems now, that maybe this is more than just about a dirt bike and my fears of his someday speeding along some highway on a ‘real bike’…
It dawns on me, that maybe it’s symbolic of his learning how to steer his Consciousness safely and intelligently through Life. Maybe the stones on the road that he has to maneuver around are symbolic of the little bumps in life, a relationship, or a job or an emotional issue…and maybe those hills that he used to be afraid of when he first started dirt biking, are symbolic of the upward battles that sometimes we are required to master in order to move up in the game of life. God/dess knows, I spent a fortune on ‘protective gear’- the right boots with steel toe tips, the right helmet to keep his head in shape, the padded pants to keep his butt and knees from getting bumped up – all representative of skills I’ve taught him through the years so that he can better ride through Life. Maybe the fear I have in my Heart of him ‘crashing’ is more than just about him getting physically hurt – perhaps I wish I could protect him from the bruises that love, death, relationship and life in general are all too eager to test us with. As a Mother, I can see all the points in my Son that make him unique, special, and infinitely more amazing than any other kid I know! As a Mother, I can also see his weaknesses, his Achilles ’ heel and those personality quirks that I know I cannot protect him from, but that I am only able to pray for his resilience and strength and wisdom to help him heal when the time comes. And still my Heart aches, from knowing that someday, I will no longer play a part in his ‘training’ and that only Time will tell if what Marcus and I and my family have been able to teach him, will pay off.
What do I hope to get as a ‘reward’ or ‘pay off’ from all this emotional, physical, spiritual, mental investment? Just to see Sebastian shine – just for him to be happy, healthy and free from all the entanglements that the Illusions that 3-dimensional living can hit us with. I choose to see my little boy embody all the ideals of the Innocence, Trust and Self-Confidence that The Spirit of the Cosmic Child represents. The Sun card from The Tarot, represents all that The Empress Card dreams of giving Birth to…Radiant Self-Love in the Heart of The Child who rides freely into the Sunrise!
Yes, that is what as The Empress Mother I envision – the Sun rising to meet my Son, and reflecting back to him the Light that he so beautifully embodies. It’s that Smile of Sebastian’s that reminds me of just how right as a Mother I Am…It’s That Smile!
And my Heart is filled to overflowing with infinite Love.